For five years I had the bounty of caring for my grandparents and my oh my what a beautiful journey that was. The last five years have been filled with so much joy and light. My faith in God was strengthened. My capacity to trust was deepened. My ability to surrender was tested but through it all my spirit soared. I cannot adequately articulate the immense and rich spiritual gems I attained through fulfilling the call to step up and be present to the needs of two souls who greatly impacted the trajectory of my life.
In 2019, I returned from the USA after experiencing a series of disappointments, some self-inflicted and others way out of my control. I felt like I was back at square one. I dropped out of college and felt depleted. To be honest, other things were going on too but let us just say that I was having a quarter-life crisis. Life felt rough, raw, messy and real. I found myself in a position where I could no longer run away from myself and would need to face all these shadowed aspects of my being that I had buried deep down. It felt like there was this vacuum in my state of consciousness, and I had spent years trying to escape it. My mind was filled with dusty doubts, shadowing saboteurs, suppressed emotions, unspoken fears and pure turmoil. The kind that aches. My mind was a little haunted and my heart was gripped by the fear that I might not ever be someone who had value or worth. It sounds morbid I know but I promise that this is just a build-up to the positive sentiments that I intend to share later in this piece. Who doesn’t love a good helping of context?
So basically, to sum it up nicely thus far, I spent my late teen years and early twenties chasing my tail and not knowing who I was until finally in 2019 I experienced a series of seemingly catastrophic events and was forced to face myself. I sat down with myself and could not escape the anxiety and melancholy. Tears were streaming down my face as I journaled about my feelings of inadequacy. It struck me suddenly that I was looking for comfort and support but felt too embarrassed to ask for help. I could not allow myself to accept that I felt fragile and vulnerable and needed a great big hug. Now keep in mind, I come from a very loving family but there was something about this pain that I could not be honest about. Expressing to my family that I felt like the biggest failure in every aspect of my life caused a tight knot in my stomach and a massive lump in my throat. It was something I needed to resolve within myself and while my family could hold the space for me to work through the emotions, I had to take ownership of my shadows and alchemize them into light.
Two people who facilitated this process were my grandparents, Isgaac and Yasmine Gallow. There was something about my grandparent’s love that could melt my feelings of self-rejection. In June 2019 I began caring for them but with special focus on my grandmother as her health had declined. In the beginning, it was uncomfortable. I was a little annoyed with God for putting me in this position because I wanted to be out with my friends and chasing my dreams. But I knew in my heart that God had brought me back for a reason and this was where I would grow. Caring for my grandmother entailed bathing her, feeding her, spending time with her, listening to all her stories and being extremely extremely extremely patient (at least in the beginning, as I took care of her more and more, my patience muscle was strengthened). As I cared for my grandmother, ironically the relationship I had with myself began to shift. Pouring love into my grandmother, helped me to focus less on myself and allowed me to recognize that as much as I was taking care of her, she was always always taking care of me. It’s like I woke up one day and had this sudden and intense realization that although I did not fully love myself, I was immensely loved by others in different ways. As I bathed her and brushed her hair, I became more mindful of how she had done those things for me when I was little. How she greeted me with warm affection and tenderness when she saw me. How she made me delicious lunch every day when I came home from school. How she sat with me in the afternoons and taught me prayers to memorize so that wherever I was in this world and if ever I was in trouble, I could call on God because she helped engrave His Words on my heart. I began thinking less and less about my flaws and more and more of all the beautiful virtues evident in those surrounding me. There was my mother who always made the time to understand and validate me. Who encouraged me when I felt disheartened. My father who always offered a listening ear and a compassionate heart. My grandfather who made witty jokes so others would laugh and smile. My brothers who did their best to strike the balance between comforting me and teasing me and my sister-in-law who always availed herself to listen to my rants of confusion and overwhelm. There were my friends who sent me encouraging messages, who tagged me in memes that made me giggle and who recalled memories we had made filled with moments of adventure and sometimes even danger.
There was an awakening stirring in my consciousness that helped highlight the notion that everywhere I went, I was immersed in love. It might not have been my love, but there was a sense of knowing developing that everywhere I turned in this world, I was immersed in pure, unconditional and unequivocal love. God’s love. Life’s love. And this awakening was the beginning of a chapter that brought a sense of serenity, peace, joy, hope and faith. And more importantly, a strong dose of courage to sit with me. To sit with me and listen to all the things I never gave myself the chance to say. To express all the fears that I had bottled up and to allow them to be released into the ether. The more I prayed and meditated, the more I connected to God and the more I aligned I felt with my true self. I went deep within and made peace with my shadows. I befriended them. I realized that they were misunderstood and were only ever interested in protecting me. They were trying to keep me in the lines and were under the command of my ego. The deeper I went into my meditations, the more I was able to see that my ego was just the amalgamation of the younger versions of me who had been wounded by the various and inevitable circumstances of life. It was not personal. It was vibrational. I had been attracting these experiences that I needed to learn and grow into my optimal Self. The Self that flourishes and prospers. The Self that thrives and plays. The Self that laughs without fear of the future and is far more precious than rubies and pearls. There was a knowing that I was created noble. That my essence was pure. That my mind was enlightened. My heart was illuminated. My spirit was radiant and my soul was enriched in gems of inestimable value. In my truest expression of being, I was a daughter of the Kingdom. A being made in the image of God’s divinity and excellence. An instrument of benevolence and light. A source of joy. As we all are. You (yes, the person reading this), just like me hold immense significance and value, a being who can love, learn, laugh and play through this game we call life.
Through this journey, I’ve come to realize that the struggles, the love, the care, and the connection I’ve experienced are all reflections of something greater. They are expressions of the divine, shaping me into a person who sees the world not just as it is, but as it could be—full of love, hope, and grace. My grandparents, my family, and even my shadows have taught me that we are all embodiments of beauty. In our joys and our sorrows, in our flaws and our strengths, we each carry within us a radiant light, a divine essence that makes us who we are. We are, every one of us, living expressions of beauty, woven into the tapestry of life with threads of love, courage, and faith.
O Son of Bounty! Out of the wastes of nothingness, with the clay of My command I made thee to appear, and have ordained for thy training every atom in existence and the essence of all created things. Thus, ere thou didst issue from thy mother’s womb, I destined for thee two founts of gleaming milk, eyes to watch over thee, and hearts to love thee. Out of My loving-kindness, ’neath the shade of My mercy I nurtured thee, and guarded thee by the essence of My grace and favor. And My purpose in all this was that thou mightest attain My everlasting dominion and become worthy of My invisible bestowals. And yet heedless thou didst remain, and when fully grown, thou didst neglect all My bounties and occupied thyself with thine idle imaginings, in such wise that thou didst become wholly forgetful, and, turning away from the portals of the Friend didst abide within the courts of My enemy.
-Bahá’u’lláh (The Hidden Words)
